My Adventures in Writing

Yesterday as I drove to work I was presented with the amazing beauty of our world. It was so beautiful and picturesque that a photograph would not have done it justice. I come across some pretty scenes on my drive to work through Oregon’s bountiful Willamette Valley. I am blessed with this drive, most days. People cringe when they hear about my 45 minute commute but they don’t know the beauty and serenity that it holds. Maybe that’s my little secret.

So, yesterday morning it was clear and cool, with just a hint of autumn in the air. It was just enough hint to make you think autumn could be near but not clear enough to forget that it is still August and summer. As I drove north near Lewisburg, I looked to my right only to see the most clear shot of Mt. Jefferson I had seen all summer. The peak stood towering high above the mountains below and looked as if it had been outlined with a black marker. Each jagged point was individually visible, and all from just a few glances while driving. It was mesmerizing and I wished I had more time to stop and take in the view.

Because of the beauty I was seeing and the fact that I kept glancing to the right, I took the next road to head directly east. I just had to see more. As I turned to face the rising sun, I was not only faced with the clear picture of Mt. Jefferson but a distant glimpse of Mt. Hood and two of the Three Sisters. What a glorious sight! This just made my morning very special and I smiled. There was no way I could capture this moment in photo or describe it to anyone and I realized then that this was a special moment for me, made by God. He sure is amazing and breath-taking. But I’m not done yet.

The day before I had seen one hot air balloon rising above Albany and that gave me a smile. So, as I turned to face east, I looked more to the south, only to see 6 or 7 hot air balloons rising in the sky. Wow! That was an amazing picture. I could not imagine the sights those people on the balloons were seeing. What a beautiful late summer morning! Thank you to my amazing God!

Yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of the passing of my father-in-law. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday, when we were all gathered in that hospital room watching him fade away but other times it feels like a distant memory. Sometimes it feels like he’s gone on a long vacation yet to return. But we know his fate and know he’s really physically gone. Yet, his legacy live on - he left us an example of how a human being should live - humbly, caring for others more than himself, helping above and beyond, faithful in everything he did, content and thankful for everything he had and enjoying the wonderful life God had given him.

I was reminded of his absence from several messages I received yesterday expressing words of comfort for our loss. I say our loss but I don’t always feel it’s right to say I’m a part of “our” when I only knew him for 3 years. But it is my loss because a part of my husband died 2 short years ago.

I don’t know what to say to my family so I say nothing. I just don’t think there are words to express my feelings or make them feel better. I wish someone would give me the perfect book on how to make someone feel better who is missing a loved one who has passed away. What do I say? How do I act? I don’t want to ignore their feelings or act like it’s nothing. I know they are feeling something very deep, very personal and very sad. It’s something I know little about and it scares me.

Other than my father-in-law, the closest person to me that I have experienced passing away was my grandmother but I was 13. I remember crying and singing “Amazing Grace” at her memorial, and then driving to Newport to spread her ashes in the ocean. I remember missing her and how sad my mom was. But I don’t think I miss her everyday like I know my husband misses his father. That’s what scares me; the thought of my heart breaking and aching if someone close to me should die. I can’t imagine my life without my mom - who would I talk to when I was upset or needed advice? What if my sister died - who would I do silly things with and laugh about childhood memories with? I don’t even want to talk about losing my husband…

Life is so precious. Relationships are treasures. I hope and pray that when we get to heaven those relationships we’ve made here are something we can continue for eternity.

Time has begun to fly by more quickly. Nice, warm spring weather tends to make that happen for some reason. Why can’t the cold, rainy winters go that fast? It’s hard to believe this is my second to last weekend spent in Portland. I just started my last MHA class with this weekend and one in June left. After that, I have my presentation weekend in July and then graduation in August. Wow! I’m almost done. Almost done and already looking to the next thing that is. I tend to what my ducks in a row or however that goes about the future. I’m a planner. I know there is a larger plan for me out there but I can’t help but want to help plan out my life. Maybe it will align with what God has in store for me and I’m sure hopeful of it. I know that God has even bigger things in store if I’m just patient.

So, all my hard work is about to pay off and it feels good. My load is lighter and I can begin to think of others things to fill my time, like all of those projects on the backburner - what did I tell you, I’m a planner.

Today, unexpectedly, I came into Salem to find a winter wonderland. The drive in was foggy, as usual but no real precipitation. As I drove over the bridge into Salem, a fine white powder began to fall from the sky. The ground was tinted a slight white. It was a wonderful sight.
To my enjoyment, the snow continued to fall throughout the day. It’s amazing how uplifting the first snowfall of the year can be, especially in a place where there isn’t much snow expected at all. Snow to us is a treat. My coworkers and I took a jaunt outside to see the snowflakes fall. We ventured out into it and stuck out our tongues in joy to catch the falling snow. We jumped around like children, enjoying the sight of winter. We hoped it would continue and blanket the land with as much snow as would fall! It was a joyous occasion!

This summer term has been hard. It’s not that I have a lot of classes but one very difficult one. It’s a class prepping us for the completion of our capstone projects over the next year. We have to complete a proposal, and a very lengthy, thorough one at that. It’s been very time-consuming and stressful for me. I really want to get it perfect and know exactly what I will be doing over the next year. But a project is a process and really takes some work.

Our last class is in two weeks and I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It helps that my husband and I leave for Cancun the evening of my last class. Celebrating life, stress-less life with my family in a tropical paradise is very exciting. Having this to look forward to at the end of the term has helped. Soon I will be a normal person again. But wait, isn’t normal a relative term?

I love the summer, when you can’t remember the last time you wore socks, or shoes for that matter.  Sandals are so easy to wear - just slip them on and go! I love the sound of sprinklers watering lawns in the evening or the fan. I love the wind through the car windows and my hair flying wildly about. I love how carefree it feels just sitting outside watching it get dark and cool. I love the smell of the garden, the fragrant tomato plants and garlic. There is so much abundance as fruit ripens and vegetables abound. What a time of hope and joy!

What is wrong with me? I seem to be in this funk that I just can’t get out of. All week now I have just felt like a different person. I can’t seem to figure out what it is or why it started. I should be really happy because I am splint free. And I was on Monday. I was in a great mood but then Monday night a big, gray cloud came over top of me and hasn’t left.

On Sunday, I decided to take off my splint, after taking a look at the LARGE medical bill from my orthopedist. I was so upset at how much they had charged, and really done nothing for me. I guess I am paying him for monitoring my broken finger? I just don’t see why a nurse practitioner or PA couldn’t have taken care of me. So, I decided to do my own rehabilitation. It’s been good so far, except yesterday when I tried to carry a large bag of garden soil. I shouldn’t have done that. I still wear my splint at night, at least for a week or so, because I don’t trust myself while I’m sleeping. I could really hurt myself.

It just feels like the world is against me. It feels like every path I’m trying to take leads to a dead-end. It makes me feel like quitting. For school, I have to submit a proposal for my Master’s project. I thought I had it all ready to go but then found out that what I wanted to study had already been done. So, it’s back to the drawing board.

I think a lot of it is just over-doing it. I am doing a lot! I have been through a lot, dealing with a broken finger and five weeks of not using my right hand. I guess it just got me off track. The hard part now is that I still can’t use my hand normally.

I’m sure something will get me back on track. I’ve been praying but just not hard enough I guess. God, can you hear me? Maybe I have too much of my own self-interest in mind… I don’t know.

Hopefully the next post will be something positive. Things will get better, right?

Tomorrow morning I get my (hopefully) last set of xrays on my right hand. Hopefully they will tell me I can take my splint off!

As I’ve lived life lately with one hand, my left one at that, I’ve realized a few things - some things aren’t that hard to do but others are extremely difficult and frustrating. Here’s my list for each category, some of which I found surprising:

Easiest Things to Do:
Eat with a Fork
Drive
Type notes in class
Water plants outside

Hardest Things to Do:
Get dressed
Remove staples from a stack of paper
Sign my name
Put on my seat belt
Walk a dog
Do any other yardwork besides watering plants
Wash my hair thoroughly and DO my hair (very frustrating!)

With that said, I am looking forward to being able to use my right hand again!

Growing up, my sister and I had vivid imaginations, with creative playtimes. Once in awhile we would imagine we had only one arm or one leg and try to get around the house. Well, the past few weeks I’ve experienced what it’s really like to live using only one hand. I suffered a broken right ring finger a few weeks ago while I was walking my dog. With the leash wrapped around my hand, my dog was attacked and pinned down to the walkway. My dog finally wiggled free. I then noticed my numb hand and obviously crooked finger. My dog survived with a few bruises but I have to live with a splinted right hand.

It’s been frustrating to say the least. The main difficulty has been losing the ability to write. As a writer, this a especially hard. I can type fairly well one-handed but it’s not the same. I like to write things out on paper first but I haven’t been able to lately. Simple things like brushing my teeth or eating are also difficult.

It’s been hard for me to ask for help - that’s probably been the hardest.

While walking at Bald Hill on May 9th, my dog was viciously attacked by
a very large German Sheppard. In the process of trying to save my dog
from the jaws of this larger dog, my ring finger was broken. As my dog
yelped in pain, the dog and his 3-4 “handlers” walked off. Without an
apology or offering to help us, we sat on the pathway, crying, shocked.
My dog continued to whimper and yelp for several minutes. The other
people continued on their way, never looking back. We were finally able
to hobble back to the car. I tried to warn each dog owner we met on the
way back about the vicious dog. Several kind people offered to help us.
If not for them, I might have lost all hope in humanity. Today my hand
is splinted and my dog is bruised and stiff. I am stuck with my medical
bills.

So, to all dog owners who walk Bald Hill, please watch out for this dog.
He was very large for the German Sheppard breed, with a black face.
There were 5 people, and they were also walking a white, medium sized
goat. They paid no attention to me or my anguish.

Please be responsible for your pets. If your animal is violent, leave it
at home. Do not endanger the well being of others. If your dog does
bite, be a human being and ask the person if they need help.