My Adventures in Writing

I visited the book sale at work today,  like I do each year. I love books so it’s hard not to go look. I usually come away with a purchase. One year I bought books for my loved ones for Christmas. But this year I bought a book for myself. Yet my intentions are to create something to share with my family.

The book I purchased is family photo archive project book. It included a CD
for working with photos and creating an electronic version of a scrapbook or family tree. The book gives ideas on how to locate family history and records.

So, this will be my new project when I have time. I’ve always wanted to go back and scan in old family photos and research the people in the images. One of my relatives recently scanned in some old photos of my grandfather and great-grandfather. It was so amazing to me to see the resemblance to my family members. I wanted to know all about those people. I don’t want family history to be forgotten. I am amazed at the traditions and family history of many other cultures, like the oral history of the Native Americans. Their culture is so rich. It must be so wonderful to know where your family came from and the stories of each family member.

So my goal is to do what I can to capture the family history and stories I know. I may not be able to go back as far as I want but I can start with my life. If I am able to capture my memories of childhood and what I experience it will be a start. I would to do more but we will see.

Right now, I’m sitting in the living room with my mini laptop on my lap, visiting with friends on Facebook. On our projector TV we have it set to play a slideshow of all our photos. Thousands of photos are set to play randomly. I am mesmerized by the images, bringing back all kinds of memories. Warm thoughts of Cancun, fun times in Colorado, memories of our wedding, pictures of the flower around the yard, coastal scenes, family photos and so many more. I find myself feeling so blessed tonight, with all that God has given me. Each photos echos a prayer of thanks and awe for life. I travel back in time to the emotions of each glimpse in time. Our lives are so amazing, in all we see and do. Thank you God.

Yesterday I attended a wonderful wedding, a public declaration of love. But it wasn’t just the couple in love that touched me, it was the love of the families supporting the couple. Everyone pulled together to make it work.

I never realized how much work a wedding takes. Of course my own was a lot of work but to see a wedding from behind the scenes was eye-opening. Everyone pitched in without an excuse, working together to pull it off. I was more than willing to offer my help, because I had been so thankful for everyone that helped at my wedding. It was great to see a need and fill it or to have a solution for someone needing a decision made.

The love shown between the bride and her parents was so authentic. As she danced with her father, I watched the expression of their love. The wedding party gave sincere toasts to the bride and groom, their friends. It was so touching to see real expressions of love, especially with today’s troubles. It was refreshing to see such a loving family.

I can still imagine the sand between my toes and feel the movement of the waves if I close my eyes. The glow of my tan skin makes me do a double-take every so often, thinking wow, am I really that tan? The cool breeze tonight feels so different compared to the slight but necessary breeze of the Caribbean. Here the feel of the wind almost feels like cheating - it is so drastic. In Mexico, the sweltering heat and humidity made the slight stirring of the air seem like a knight in shinning armor. The slightest movement made all the difference, even if only brief. Without the breeze, it was almost unbearable. When stepping out of the air conditioned room, sweat came almost immediately, paired with an instant thought of, where’s the closest water we can jump in? The walk to the beach took us passed several sparkling swimming pools. They were like mirages as we aimed for the sea.

Once we stepped into the salty, turquoise water, there was no turning back. Like a still-warm bath, the water was inviting, with the mesmerizing roll of the waves. We floated and bobbed, chatting and laughing. Some of the best conversations were had while in waves. The view from the water gave us a different perspective than from shore, as we inconspicuously watched the sun bathers, sandcastle builders, volleyball players and beachcombers.

The snorkeling gave an even diverse perspective, as the world under the water came alive to us. Blue, yellow, and purple flashed before us as the fish darted by. They seemed to be having just as much fun as we were, moving with the motion of the waves. From above, this world was invisible. Yet once it was seen, it was not forgotten. The coral, fish, skates and other creatures came to mind each time I stepped into the water.

Back from vacation, the pictures we took have been downloaded and shared. Looking at each one is like a peek back in time. The sights, sounds and smells come to mind and it’s like I’m there. Will this last? I want to capture it all and not forget one moment.

Well, today good things happened. The day didn’t start out the best as I left home with a bad attitude. I just couldn’t face another unhappy day at work. But then around 10:45, all my prayers were answered. I was offered my now, dream job. Of course, I accepted right away. It was so surprising to hear back so quickly. It was great.
At the end of the day, I handed in my letter of resignation and felt a wave of relief. No more pain, no more hassles, no more not being understood. I had a fresh start coming with someone I already felt better connected to than in my current situation.
Now, I ask myself, do I write her a letter when I leave, telling her what she has done wrong? Do I even waste my time? Do I tell her the things she did somewhat right? Or do I just leave, leave her wondering what went wrong, again. I wish that she would hear what I would tell her but I don’t think she will. I think it will have to be a time of self-reflection when she really hears.
But for now, I am free!

Well, I’ve decided to look for a new job, period. I need a healthy work environment and I want to be happy where I work. I feel this is where God is pointing me. I’ve done a lot of praying but I’m sure I can do some more. Please continue praying for me.

I will let you know how it goes. For the meantime, I am focusing on school and being creative whenever possible. Happiness is growing and I’m all for it! To new beginnings!

I’m not sure why I’m writing this because even if I sent it to you, you would never understand it. You live in a different world and there’s no way to really talk to you. You really hurt me today, as well as a lot of other days. You’ve really hurt my friend too. But you’ll never know it because no one really stands up to your cruelty. Besides, when they do, it always backfires and they end up paying the penalty. It’s not fair in so many ways. It’s most unsettling because you don’t know what you do. You don’t hear the contradictions you throw out like candy. You don’t see the crazy, illogical, wacky plans you lay out. You don’t see how it hurts all of us. You just think we’re childish and foolish.

It’s not fair because we mean no harm. We’re trying to change things for the better. But you just see us as meaningless weeds in your way. Your pity and patronizing ways are so fake. I wish you could deal with whatever happened to you to make you so manipulative and untrusting instead of taking it out on us. Don’t you know the lasting impression you are leaving on us?

The part that hurts the most is that we can do nothing to change it. We are powerless and stuck. My empowered mind hits you like a car hitting a wall. Nothing gets through.

You tear me down without even being in the room. You make me feel rage and depression that a follower of Christ should not! But because we are powerless, gossip and despising you is all we feel we can do. It’s worthless and a waste of energy. But the hurt runs so deep it’s so hard not to feel those thoughts.

But you’re not like this all the time. You feed us lines to keep us under your power, just enough to keep us here. It’s just enough to make us forget all that’s happened, and actually be content with the current status. But it doesn’t last long. It’s those days that make the skies turn dark, and you come in like a whirlwind ready to destroy all that threatens your power. Or wait, maybe it’s more like a vampire and you thrive on sucking the livelihood right out of us. Maybe that’s too harsh. But I do feel very drained right now.

I don’t know what to do. You make me not want to dream anymore because each goal, each little dream gets stepped on by you. Each plan gets dissected and ripped a part.

What do you want from me? Do you really just want me to “behave” and do only what you ask? Do you just want a subservient slave? or just to break my will? What’s wrong with someone who has goals, who’s motivated for the future and who wants to do a good job? I just don’t understand.
It just makes me so tired.

I really miss writing lately. I think of all the things I could be doing like writing articles, blog entries, painting picture,s working on photography, starting a scrapbook and on and on. But, I just can’t get myself to sit down and focus. I can blame it on many things but think it’s mostly due to the winter blues and my situation at work. When things aren’t going well at work, usually I turn to writing and being creative in order to cheer myself up. Well, it’s been really bad lately and I’ve just felt tired.

I’m really facing some tough challenges at work. Sometimes I just want to give up. It feels like I try too hard and then something happens and all my efforts were for nothing. But then again, maybe they aren’t. Maybe they make me feel good, like I’m facing diversity and going to succeed no matter what. Maybe I’m doing this for a higher cause and nothing on this Earth really has any hold on me.

So, anyway, I guess this is a long explanation as to why I haven’t been writing much lately. I love writing and I love sharing it with others. I hope I haven’t lost too many of my readers by lack of activity. I am here. I am thinking of writing constantly. I do think of my readers too.

I will try harder to stay in touch with my creative side. I know that sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps me going. I begin Spring term at school this Friday. I’m looking forward to it, because it may shed some light on my situation at work. I also enjoy the discussions with my classmates who think like me. So, I’m sure it will be motivating to see everyone and get some discussions going on Friday night.

I wanted to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you spend the day surrounded by loved ones and good food. Enjoy yourself and count your blessings. We are all so blessed! I am thankful for my family and friends, who show their kindness through unconditional love and support. With them, I feel I can do just about anything. I am thankful that God has given me so many opportunities to use my gifts. I am thankful for the peace I feel in my home, in my marriage and overall. I am hopeful that this world will take this season to heart, finding ways to express love around the world. Sometimes we take for granted all we have, and Thanksgiving is a great time to stop and count each blessing. Once the list begins, you will be amazed at all you are blessed by. With love, Aurae