My Adventures in Writing

I’m not sure why I’m writing this because even if I sent it to you, you would never understand it. You live in a different world and there’s no way to really talk to you. You really hurt me today, as well as a lot of other days. You’ve really hurt my friend too. But you’ll never know it because no one really stands up to your cruelty. Besides, when they do, it always backfires and they end up paying the penalty. It’s not fair in so many ways. It’s most unsettling because you don’t know what you do. You don’t hear the contradictions you throw out like candy. You don’t see the crazy, illogical, wacky plans you lay out. You don’t see how it hurts all of us. You just think we’re childish and foolish.

It’s not fair because we mean no harm. We’re trying to change things for the better. But you just see us as meaningless weeds in your way. Your pity and patronizing ways are so fake. I wish you could deal with whatever happened to you to make you so manipulative and untrusting instead of taking it out on us. Don’t you know the lasting impression you are leaving on us?

The part that hurts the most is that we can do nothing to change it. We are powerless and stuck. My empowered mind hits you like a car hitting a wall. Nothing gets through.

You tear me down without even being in the room. You make me feel rage and depression that a follower of Christ should not! But because we are powerless, gossip and despising you is all we feel we can do. It’s worthless and a waste of energy. But the hurt runs so deep it’s so hard not to feel those thoughts.

But you’re not like this all the time. You feed us lines to keep us under your power, just enough to keep us here. It’s just enough to make us forget all that’s happened, and actually be content with the current status. But it doesn’t last long. It’s those days that make the skies turn dark, and you come in like a whirlwind ready to destroy all that threatens your power. Or wait, maybe it’s more like a vampire and you thrive on sucking the livelihood right out of us. Maybe that’s too harsh. But I do feel very drained right now.

I don’t know what to do. You make me not want to dream anymore because each goal, each little dream gets stepped on by you. Each plan gets dissected and ripped a part.

What do you want from me? Do you really just want me to “behave” and do only what you ask? Do you just want a subservient slave? or just to break my will? What’s wrong with someone who has goals, who’s motivated for the future and who wants to do a good job? I just don’t understand.
It just makes me so tired.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 25th, 2009 at 2:38 pm and is filed under Personal/ Family. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.